on Football: I Don't Get It

Dude I don’t get football. I can’t “draft.” I don’t “Madden.” What the fuck do you mean “let’s tailgate?” None of this makes any sense! Actually, ok, drinking on a Sunday morning just outside the battle site in anticipation of any one of two armies willing to murder each other over high stakes makes a lot of sense. It’s actually AWESOME until shit hits the fan.

And that seems to be a running theme for every team during the season. They play mediocre and then show flashes of brilliance. But then shit hits the fan. And I just can’t have that. I need a little consistency in my life. Consistency fires me up these days. That’s why I just don’t follow football. For me, Sundays are for family, brunch, street festivals, and, when applicable, grocery shopping.

So, when you ask me to “draft,” all I hear is, “Please guess what each team will do this season.”

(insert crafty smirk here)

Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals will finally play a game at the Vatican — against the Vatican Cardinals. The game will be called the “Battle of the Cardinals.” The Vatican Cardinals will win and proclaim that God Himself made it so. But in reality who is going to tackle a ninety-something-year old?

Cincinnati Bengals

Quarterback Joe (?) Burrow will find a homeless person named Pink living in his attic. Rather than press charges, Burrow will befriend him and they will film a reality show together called Burrow and the Ping.

New York Jets

The Jets’ bus will break down on the New Jersey Turnpike before their game against the Philadelphia Eagles. Players immediately panic and start cannibalizing one another, some reluctantly and some enthusiastically, a la that plane that went down in the Andes in 1972 with the Uruguayan rugby team on board.

Minnesota Vikings

Shit is going to hit the fan here. Just trust me. Shit will hit the fan.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Fans will abandon the terrible towel and inexplicably start throwing soy sauce packets onto the field during games. Shit will also hit the fan in Pittsburgh.

Houston Texans

Houston will find itself in a protracted legal battle with the Dallas Cowboys about which team gets to change its mascot to the “Betos.”

Indianapolis Colts

The Colts will make the AFC Championship game. Mike Pence will join them in their locker room to celebrate. Mike Pence soon spontaneously combusts.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Eschewing all concerns about CTE, the Jags abandon helmets altogether and instead rely on one of this fall’s biggest hair trends — big volume! Inspired by Versace’s pre-fall runway looks and staying true to Florida’s long documented history of not giving a fuck, QB Gardner Minshew will lead the Jags into the wildest 2-14 season you’ve ever seen! I also don’t know if Minshew is their no. 1 QB at this moment in time.

Seattle Seahawks

This probably has “little” to do with “football,” but I bet Henry Kissinger dies in the next few months. Same with Bob Barker and Kirk Douglas. They’ve probably all seen their last Super Bowl (Superbowl?) No matter what, shit hits the fan.

Denver Broncos

Idk.

Vegas Raiders

Is it “Vegas Raiders” or “Las Vegas Raiders?”

Chicago Bears

Chicago will sign a new quarterback and it will be Harry Styles. HC Nagy signs a 12-year deal worth billions.

Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles will also sign a new quarterback and it will be none other than Awkwafina, and the thing is, she is good. Shit hits the fan.

Buffalo Bills

Trubisky does great. Shit hits the fan in Chicago.

Green Bay Packers

Who cares.

Los Angeles Chargers

Jack visits for the home opener. Shit hits the fan.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Ahhh, the year that Father Time finally catches up with Tom Brady. Taps him on the shoulder, tries to tell him that his time is up. But before Father Time knows what hit him, Brady bitch-slaps Father Time and Father Time falls down and is all, “Oh, you did not just do that!” Shit hits the fan.

Dallas Cowboys

Who gives a fuck.

Washington Football Team

Washington finally abandons their offensive mascot name and opt for a new mascot depicting a species native to Washington, DC. Say hello to the “Washington Parasitic Politicians.” The logo will be as awesome as you’re imagining. I cannot emphasize this point enough.

Los Angeles Rams

The Rams will run the triple action, which everyone agrees is much better than the double option, but not as good as the quadruple option. Also, shit will hit the fan and after it hits the fan the shit will blow back into their faces.

San Francisco 49ers

Get ready for a shit show here, folks. Several 49ers will face internal disciplinary measures when they skip their Monday Night game to eat at some new upscale restaurant in Union Square. In their defense, players cite the restaurant’s hushed traditional setting only seats ten and resys are nearly impossible to get.

The Rest of Them

I told you, I don’t do this shit. If I missed your team, figure it out.